Selfish
by Sand-wolf579
Summary: Dakota didn't want to admit it, but he was selfish.


**A/N: Alright, this idea is something that I had originally planned on putting in a previous story, one that I wrote after seeing the Christmas special. The idea didn't quite make it into the story though, but it was still there at the back of my mind, and now I've developed it even more into its own thing, so let's see how well this works.**

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Dakota sighed and wrapped himself further into the blanket that Cavendish had draped over his shoulders a few hours ago. It had been a weird night. Usually Dakota was the one who conked out fast asleep at the first given chance while Cavendish procrastinated refused to go to bed any earlier than was absolutely necessary. At that moment though, Dakota was the one who was wide awake and didn't think that he would be getting any sleep that night at all, and _cavendish_ was the one who was fast asleep and curled up almost protectively towards him.

The roles were really switched that night. Dakota was the one who couldn't sleep, and Cavendish was the one who was super concerned. If Dakota wasn't so dang tired, he would find the situation ironic and very funny.

It had been one heck of a week, and Dakota was absolutely exhausted. At the same time though, his thoughts were running a mile a minute, and he knew that there wasn't any way that he would be able to get any sleep that night. It just wasn't going to happen.

Sometimes Dakota wished that he could handle stress and uncertainty the way that Cavendish did. The older man worried and worried, and he was kinda mean and had a short temper when it happened, but he still remained relatively calm. Dakota, on the other hand, refused to let anybody see his worries and anxieties. On the outside Dakota seemed to be laid-back and almost uncaring, when in fact he probably cared too much. Dakota would love to not have to hide how he was feeling so much, but he knew that he was an emotional blabbermouth. The second he started talking about his feelings, he would just keep on talking and talking until he had revealed the one thing that the majority of his anxieties stemmed from.

And, considering that one main worry was the fact that Dakota was continously going back in time to prevent Cavendish's death, and there was now a whole island of past Dakota's, which was probably the biggest time travel no-no's, it probably wasn't a very good idea to blab about it to anybody. Maybe a random stranger who was good at listening could stand to be told, but not anybody who actually worked at the time bureau, and certainly not Cavendish.

 _Especially_ not Cavendish.

Whatever issues Dakota had, he needed to suck them up and deal with it. He couldn't let Cavendish even _suspect_ that something was wrong. Especially because there wasn't ( _there totally was)._ Dakota could usually handle his issues pretty well, but it had been a _really_ tough week. Not because Cavendish had died a whole bunch of times (a week like that was considered barely worse than normal...geez, that sounded kinda pathetic) but because Cavendish hadn't died even _once,_ and Dakota hated it.

...okay, wow, that sounded really bad and didn't make any sense. No wonder Cavendish was always getting at Dakota for forgetting to include context and essential details, because without them things were just confusing and sounded super wrong.

Dakota actually had a really, really, 100% perfectly fair reason behind why he was upset about it. Dakota would normally be absolutely relieved to go through a day where Cavendish didn't even get close to dying. If Dakota was ever able to get Cavendish through an entire week without him dying once, then he would throw a freaking party about it. But Dakota didn't think that that would happen any time soon.

The thing was, and this was really, _really_ important, Dakota hadn't been the one to keep Cavendish alive for a whole week. He hadn't even seen him _once_ that whole time. No, Dakota had been with Brick, while Cavendish was with Savannah.

It was all because of one of Mr. Block's little pranks/punishments/experiments. Their boss had been sick and tired of both teams failing their missions, so he had decided to switch things up. For a trial week the four time travelers were supposed to work with somebody who wasn't their partner.

And that right there was the reason why Dakota was so exhausted. He had barely been able to get any sleep, and he hadn't been able to relax at all the whole week because of it. He had been on edge and distracted the entire time, just waiting for the inevitable moment when Savannah came by to tell him that there had been some freak accident and Cavendish had died.

Dakota knew that he would be able to just go back and save him, same as he always did. It would just take multiple tries. He would need to go back at least twice, once to figure out what had happened to Cavendish, and once to actually save him. Dakota had been prepared for that, so when it didn't happen, well, he got nervous.

Dakota began to feel paranoid that something _had_ happened to Cavendish and Savannah just hadn't bothered to tell him. Logically, he knew that she wouldn't do that. As much as Dakota annoyed and irritated Savannah, they did have at least _some_ kind of respect for each other. They used to be partners after all. But Savannah wouldn't keep something like Cavendish's death from Dakota. Maybe Brick would (oh, Brick _definitely_ would) but not Savannah.

Even though Dakota knew this, he still couldn't calm down. He was just absolutely freaking out. He couldn't focus at all. He knew that he was driving Brick absolutely crazy. The man probably thought that he was the worst time traveler in the world. That he was just a lazy, aloof, useless guy who just couldn't do anything. Not that Dakota cared what Brick thought, but when Brick was annoyed he got even more snappy than Cavendish did, and Brick's constant judgemental nagging made Dakota feel even more uneasy.

It really hadn't been a good week, and apparently it showed. When they finally ( _finally)_ were allowed to get back to their real partners, Dakota had been so relieved to see Cavendish that he might have gotten a little teary eyed and clingy.

And this was when Cavendish got really concerned. Dakota didn't normally show his emotions so blatantly, and his exhaustion was probably the most obvious thing in the world, so Cavendish probably thought that he was sick or something. Savannah, who hadn't ever seen him so emotional, and who was already super confused by his request to just keep a _super_ close eye on Cavendish while she was his temporary partner, probably thought that he was insane.

Cavendish soon took the two of them home, though not before he yelled at Brick for not taking better care of him as a partner. As entertaining as it was to see Cavendish freak out at Brick, who had been a strict stick in the mud all week, Dakota didn't pay all that much attention to them. Instead he turned his focus on Savannah and began questioning her about the week. Had there been any close calls? Was Cavendish hurt at all? Was everything really okay?

And, apparently, it was. Savannah clearly didn't understand what all of his questions were about, but she answered them. According to her, and Dakota saw no reason why she would lie about this, it had been a very boring week. Cavendish hadn't even gotten a papercut.

Dakota had initially been relieved to hear all this. This relief lasted for awhile, up until Cavendish and Dakota got back to their own apartment. It was around that time that a stray thought entered Dakota's mind and refused to leave.

Why hadn't anything happened to Cavendish when he was with Savannah for a full week, but he died on a nearly daily basis with Dakota? It was really weird, and Dakota just couldn't shake the feeling that something was up.

He didn't linger too long on his thoughts, because Cavendish had his full attention on him, and Dakota couldn't afford to slip up anymore than he already had that day. Cavendish saw to it that Dakota got some food (not that he was complaining) and then sent him right off to bed, even though it was still really early in the evening. Dakota _was_ feeling pretty tired though, so he didn't fight too much against Cavendish's insistence that he get some sleep.

Dakota still didn't want to let Cavendish out of his sight, and he refused to let go of his partner's arm even as he was supposed to be getting some sleep. Cavendish quickly realized that this wasn't a fight that he could win, so he reluctantly joined Dakota in the only bed in the apartment, a second-hand ratty old mattress that was barely big enough to fit the two of them.

Neither of them went to sleep right away. They ended up just talking about their week for a bit, which was really nice. Even though they spent most of their time together, Dakota could count on one hand the amount of times that they had just slowed down and simply talked. It was a simple thing, but Cavendish probably didn't understand what it meant to Dakota. The two of them just being there, together, talking, it was probably the one thing that could calm Dakota down better than anything else could.

Eventually though, Cavendish got tired and ended up dozing off. Dakota himself was about to do the same when that single intrusive thought and question snuck into his head again. Without Cavendish awake to distract him Dakota couldn't help but think more deeply about it. Dakota was still dozing off, even while his brain took this random thought and ran with it. Dakota was almost asleep when a single realization hit him like a ton of bricks, and suddenly he felt wide awake.

Dakota realized that this wasn't the first time that he had been away from Cavendish for an extended period of time without anything happening, not really. Dakota just hadn't thought so deeply about the first instance because it hadn't technically happened, or, to be more precise, it had been prevented from happening in the first place by his and Cavendish's future selves.

Apparently in an alternate time Dakota and Cavendish had split up as partners, and as friends. The two of them had grown old without each other, and then gone back in time to prevent their big fight from ever happening.

For the first time, Dakota really thought about that scenario. His and Cavendish's future selves had grown old and lived their lives without each other.

 _Cavendish_ growing old without Dakota. Cavendish living long enough to grow old. Cavendish _living._

...Without Dakota.

He normally wouldn't think twice about such a thing, except for the fact that it had happened again. Dakota, once again, hadn't been around to keep Cavendish alive, and, once again, he had done just fine without him.

Was...could it even be possible that...was Cavendish only dying so much because _Dakota_ was around him?

The idea sounded insane, and impossible, and just super paranoid, but...but if there was even the smallest possibility that it was _true._

The very thought made Dakota feel sick to his stomach. He had spent all this time saving Cavendish's life. He had sent more than a hundred of his past selves to an isolated island to live out the rest of their lives. Dakota had broken dozens of time bureau rules and standards, including the single most important one, just so he could keep Cavendish alive. Fate couldn't actually be so cruel as to make Dakota's one goal in life entirely possible, but only if he left his partner.

Could it?

Dakota didn't want to think about it too deeply, but the moment the thought entered his head it refused to leave. It was all he could think about. Could this whole problem be so easily solved? That all Dakota had to do was walk away and leave Cavendish alone?

...could the solution really be so difficult and impossible? Dakota had devoted his life to keeping Cavendish alive, and he had done it because he couldn't stand the very thought of losing him. If Dakota just walked away, he would just be losing Cavendish anyways, so what was the point?

...what was the point? The point was he might have just found a way to keep Cavendish _alive._ There was no guarantee that it would work, but also no solid proof that it would fail either. Even if there was just the slightest chance that this might work, Dakota should be jumping at the chance to take it, to keep Cavendish alive...and he wasn't.

Dakota couldn't even seriously consider the option of just leaving Cavendish forever, not even to save his life, and it made him feel sick to his stomach. What was _wrong_ with him? This was _Cavendish!_ They were partners. They were supposed to have their backs about everything, and Dakota just...he just…

...He didn't know what he would do with himself if he didn't dedicate his life to Cavendish.

Dakota never pretended to think that he was a selfless person. He knew that he had his own motives behind saving Cavendish's life over and over and over again. Even so, he hated it when Cavendish accused him of being selfish. Dakota may think about himself, but he didn't _just_ think of himself and nobody else. Dakota sacrificed a lot for Cavendish, and the man didn't even know about any of it.

Dakota was a lot of things, but he wasn't selfish.

But now...Dakota just didn't know anymore. Here he was, with the slightest chance of saving Cavendish's life by doing just a single, simple act, and he wouldn't even think about it. Dakota cared more about being _with_ Cavendish than keeping him alive, and he was filled with so much guilt about it.

Dakota hated it, but he was beginning to think that maybe Cavendish was right. He really was selfish.

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 **A/N: Geez Louise, I had forgotten how easily writing these characters comes to me. I just whipped this out in one day, even though these past few months I've been struggling to focus on writing any of my stories. I really should keep this in mind next time I hit a serious funk in my writing.**


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